Alright come on everyone. It was a pretty little secret that we had, before someone told South Dakota Republican State Rep. Joe Donnell about it and he told a whole department online and now everyone knows it.
Donnell is a QAnon-adjacent state official who believes there’s a lot going on behind the curtains of reality and, weirdest of all, that coup-attempting reality TV host Donald Trump , is the spiritual entity that will sort of put things in place. LAW. Unfortunately, however, Donnell discovered one of the great secrets of communism…This bitch.
“If you go back and do a little research history on Mount Rushmore, it’s actually a Freemason sanctuary,” Donnell said. “It was created to enshrine democracy or the declaration of independence. … How do we worship the great thing we have done with our government? So that was the idea behind it all.
“What the Lord has revealed to me is that Mount Rushmore has a direct ley line to Washington, DC,” he added. “And he said, basically, that as we continue to work in prayer and do the work of the ministry, God was going to sever that connection. Because to understand the spiritual realm we are dealing with, we have to realize that for the enemy to do anything, he needs the agreement of human beings. In order to be empowered to do more damage, he needs the agreement of human beings, and often this comes in the form of an altar, an active altar that acts as a portal for demonic things.
Donnell says it was the Lord who let him into all of this, and it would be nice to believe that because then the rest of us wouldn’t have to point fingers each other, but I don’t buy it. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and uncovering the entire communist plan, complete with waypoints and GPS coordinates, is about as “mysterious” as it gets. No, it was an inside job, and I’m looking at you, John Cusack.
And God spoke to me and said to me, “When Donald Trump sets foot on this territory, there will be something that will be done in respect to the respect of the Constitution”. This will bring a breakthrough with the Constitution. And I kind of feel like what we’re really dealing with in this portal is communism. This sorcery altar and these things that happen in the Black Hills; what we’re really dealing with is communism; it’s the ideology and all the demonic entities and spirits behind it.
Donnell isn’t the greatest public speaker and skips big chunks of the story, but now that he’s spilled the magic beans, there’s probably no point in hiding the rest. Yes, Mount Rushmore is a magical portal to communism. Because witchcraft. And sorcery was entirely in the service of summoning demons and spirits, because everyone knows that demons and spirits are communists, which is why every ghost story begins with the ghost sternly urging the protagonist to seize the means of production, just before shaking cabinets and making ghostly “woooo” noises.
However, the story goes further. It was 1789 when the first of the ancient dwarves discovered Mount Rushmore, which at the time consisted of only four noses sticking out of the rock and no other features, and discovered the Rushmore-Washington, DC ley line. The dwarves were fascinated by the site and immediately dug a new realm under the mountain; there they mined gold and silver and magic gems, digging great halls and paving the ground with slabs of solid lapis, and there they invented Freemasonry and loved the Constitution that had just been written, that they had no particular role to write but they were intrigued nonetheless. By 1802, dwarven mystics had cut away the mountain enough to reveal the faces hidden behind the exposed noses, which turned out to be, from left to right, Bill Gates, Freddie Mercury, Sexy King Arthur with sword not included, and Dorothy of the Golden Girls.
The dwarves were appalled at the revelation of this prophecy and quickly covered it all up, noses included, using magic drawn from the ley line to reform the rock and bend the minds of all who saw it. But they remained loyal to Freemasonry, using a draft of the Declaration of Independence to weave a spiritual translocation spell that would make ley-line travel between Washington, D.C. and South Dakota possible, nonstop and with meals included. And then they went back to mining, that’s really the only thing Freemasonry is good at.
But the dwarves dug too deep, in their quest for gold and male companionship without any gay subtext, for it was communism they found deep within the mountain. If there’s one thing dwarves don’t support any more than they support any of the other things they don’t support, it would be communism; the point of being a dwarf is Finders Keepers, and an equal distribution of Mount Rushmore’s loot was something absolutely none of them were going to support. So they all left, leaving a note for God to inform South Dakota State Representative Joe Donnell of the danger a few hundred years later, too late to do anyone any good.
The rest of the story is very similar to what Donnell tells. The abandoned mines quickly became a popular destination for witchcraft, witches built an altar to communism which attracted communist demons, yada yada yada, here we are.
The real rant, however, is that Donnell not only discovered the source of all communism in the western hemisphere, but he is now using that knowledge to try to TO DO something about it. Not personally, of course, but vicariously: Donnell says “God spoke to me” and God told him Donald Trump was going to do something about it, and it would be a “breakthrough with the Constitution.”
And that would really worry us, as secret communists…whether Joe Donnell wasn’t making a critical mistake here. What Donnell fails to consider, as he pins his hopes on Donald Trump, somehow fixing the ley line and banishing the communist demons summoned by the witches, is that Donald Trump himself is of dwarf blood.
Only fractionally, of course. Trump’s minor dwarf heritage is shown physically only in his small thumbs and stubby fingers, tiny cocktail sausage fingers out of proportion to all of his other features. But he also inherited the dwarven obsession with painting things gold and the deep dwarven instinct to hoard things, hoard anything that might be of value, and preferably store everything in a bathroom. if possible. This is Trump’s nature and destiny.
So when Trump visited Mount Rushmore in 2020, pompously and at the invitation of the state’s Republican governor, Trump did what his distant dwarf ancestor had done two hundred years before. He looked around, he said a few good things about the Constitution and a few bad things about Communism, and then he booked it again as fast as his feet and jet would carry him. Donald Trump is wrong struggle Communism. Donald Trump is wrong destroy the telluric line. Donald Trump is going to pretend to talk it all out, then return to his golden pleasure cave to roll around in his hoarded treasures and pretend Melania still loves him.
So this is it. Communism lives another day, the ley line from Mount Rushmore to, more specifically, a secret cavern beneath the Lincoln Memorial remains gloriously intact, no one has understood the real why Bill Gates’ face was on Mount Rushmore before the third dwarf king covered it up again, and Donnell’s alleged exposure did absolutely no good to his anti-Communist forces because they did the most fundamental of any possible political mistakes: they expected Donald Trump, more than anyone, to care.
Was good. But I’m still mad at whichever of you leaked all of this to Joe Donnell in the first place, and I’m always giving you a particularly focused side eye, John Cusack.
RELATED STORIES:
Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks her TV is spying on her
DeSantis wishes he could ‘be there with the followers of Jesus’
